Don't take it Personally

I am proud welcome my friend Angela Watson to the blog today. Angela has been offering amazing free resources and ideas to readers of her website TheCornerstoneForTeachers.com long before most of us bloggers joined the scene.  She was a classroom teacher for eleven years, and currently works as an instructional coach and educational consultant based in New York City. She has recently published her second book and has generously offered to give away copies of both books to one lucky reader! The excerpt below will draw you in, I'm sure. It certainly spoke to me! Giveaway details follow the excerpt.
Enjoy,








The following passage is excerpted and adapted from Angela's book Awakened: Change Your Mindset to Transform Your Teaching, which provides teachers with practical strategies for adapting a positive, flexible, and resilient mindset:

  How to stop taking things personally 

     I remember once I had spent a great deal of time creating resources for a colleague and walked into her classroom to deliver them. I was grinning from ear to ear as I held up the stuff I made. The teacher was sitting at her computer and barely looked at me. "Just put it on the table. Thanks." Understandably, my feelings were a little hurt. Had I done something to upset her? Did I misunderstand what she wanted me to do? What had I done wrong? I tried to put the incident out of my mind, said a quick prayer that she'd feel better about whatever was bothering her, and reassured myself that I probably hadn't caused the problem.
    I passed her in the hallway later that day and she stopped me. "Hey, Angela, I'm really sorry about this morning. My mom's in surgery today but I don't have any personal leave left so I couldn't be with her, and I'm so distracted. On top of that, the principal said she wanted report cards done by 10 a.m. today instead of tomorrow, which means I had to work on them during class. The buses were late this morning so kids were trickling in for like an hour and acting crazy. It was a BAD morning." She sighed. "But thanks so much for bringing that stuff in, I appreciate it." There I was trying to figure out why she was acting coldly toward me, and her mom was in surgery. It wasn't about me at all!
     Isn't that usually the case? We have no way of knowing all the personal struggles people are going through. There are any number of trials and problems affecting the way they act. Health issues, family conflicts, marital stress, and financial problems are often unknown to us but shape people's very character sometimes. The same holds true for our students. Children who are disrespectful, obnoxiously attention-seeking, or totally indifferent are not necessarily acting that way toward you. Though your actions and classroom climate affect children's behavior, kids respond from all sorts of
unimaginable life situations and mental habits. Most kids don't have a grasp on metacognition (the ability to think about their thinking) and have all sorts of thought processes that create extreme, unpredictable behaviors. Students who appear not to like or respect you may be feeling the exact opposite but have such unhealthy mindsets that they can't express and control themselves appropriately. Regardless, how they feel about YOU is undoubtedly just one piece of the puzzle, so don't take their behavior personally!
     Recognize that the way people treat you is mostly a reflection of how they feel about themselves and their own lives. Then when a colleague or student treats you poorly, choose not to take it personally. Remember, you won't necessarily feel like giving them the benefit of the doubt—you will likely feel hurt or angered. But in choosing to live above your feelings, you can make a wise decision that you will not take setbacks to heart.

       Here are 5 strategies you can use to 
stop personalizing problems: 

1) Gather the evidence to see if you can support your conclusion that there's a real problem and it's about you. Ask yourself these questions: Is this really an issue, or am I creating it in my own mind? Is there any proof that this incident was truly about me or something that I did? Is it possible that the truth will surface on it's own and the situation will resolve itself if I don't react immediately?

 2) Start each day with a strong foundation and set your intent. Tell yourself, Today I will be aware of other people's struggles and not take their behaviors personally if they act in ways that are potentially offensive. I will actively look for ways to help meet the needs of students, colleagues, and parents so they're in a better place emotionally. Sometimes I like to remind myself of wise sayings like the infamous, "Hurting people hurt people" or Plato's "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."

3) Work on your own self-awareness. As I began building awareness of my own distorted thought patterns, I started to recognize those habits in others, too. Then when people did things that could potentially hurt me, I'd be able to think, Oh, this person has a problem with clinging to preconceived expectations and making presumptuous judgments, just like me! Her words weren't anything against ME, they're a reflection of her own issues! In that moment, I'd understand why the person had said or done something offensive and it wouldn't bother me as much. The stronger I become emotionally, the less other people had the power to hurt me.

4) Remind yourself that people are busy and often thoughtless in their hurry. They're thinking about what they need to get done and not about how their actions affect others. And by "people," I mean all of us. If you've ever inadvertently cut someone off while driving and only noticed the car after it was visible in your rearview mirror, or pushed ahead of someone in line without even seeing them standing there, then purposefully recall those memories when you feel insulted. Were YOU trying to make an arrogant statement that your time is more valuable than everyone else's, or were you just wrapped up in your own thoughts and oblivious to the present moment? Assume the same of others.

5) Once you get good at this, get really radical and start thinking about what you can do to make others' lives better. You might think: Wow, my team leader's tone was very short in that email about not having made our copies for this week. She must be stressed out. What can I do to lessen her load? Maybe I could offer to make the copies next week. Or maybe: This parent wants a list of objectives for the lesson I just taught. Instead of feeling like she is attacking me and questioning the value of the activity, maybe I could offer to show her where my lesson's corresponding state standards are listed online. She needs reassurance that her child is making progress and getting prepared for the next grade. I get that. I'll provide her with as many tools as possible to make her feel good about how much her daughter is learning. I'm glad she cares enough to ask questions— many teachers would love to have this problem!

Angela has offered to give away a copy of Awakened: Change Your Mindset to Transform Your Teaching AND a copy of her newest book, The Awakened Devotional Study Guide for Christian Educators to one reader of Sunny Days! Here are the book descriptions:

 
Awakened: Change Your Mindset to Transform Your Teaching provides simple steps to help you feel peaceful and energized no matter what’s happening around you. Drawing upon principles of stress management, cognitive behavioral therapy, spiritual truths, and personal experiences, Awakened helps you develop thought habits that produce an unshakeable sense of contentment, motivation, and purpose. Learn how to renew your mind and take a fresh approach to the challenges of teaching!      

The Awakened Devotional Study Guide for Christian Educators is the latest release (July 2012)! This workbook is designed to deepen Christian teachers’ understanding of the principles in Awakened, elaborating on what the Bible has to say about renewing our minds. For each Awakened chapter, this guide provides an opening reflection, devotion, further scripture reading, application questions, “to do” challenge, and a prayer that invites God to help you in applying the principles to your life. Click here to get a special discount on both books together.    

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